ALONE NOT LONELY (1)

ALONE NOT LONELY

I am writing from my computer atop a wobbly table in a little cafe off the coast of Nanaimo BC. The lady next to me chuckles that she’s tried to sit here before and wishes me luck. I tell her it’s keeping me grounded while I surf the ethernet. We smile and then I fall back into my flow.. shifted by the spark.

I imagine roots slowly earthing me steady. The bottoms of my feet sprawling into white tendrils of light, swirling and burrowing bellow. The energy of my being freer to expand up and out by the steadiness that my grounded body provides.

I’m wandering now to the thoughts of steady… How I’ve been gifted to have the stability of a partner who has been loyal and available. Someone that has allowed me the freedom to expand and grow as an artist while feeling rooted. What a gift that has been. There has also been much loneliness within the partnership for the last few years, as we’ve grown apart in so many ways.. but the treasure of the steady is undeniable… and it glows more brightly for me now that it’s about to change.

I’ve taken my three babies to BC with me and today they are spending time with my mom who lives on a little island off the coast. She’s given me some freedom to get some work done, and to spend some time with myself as I breathe through the beginnings of a big transition.

When I return home, my hope is that my husband and I will be reconnecting like never before.. there is a beauty to reconciling a relationship, even if it means the end of a marriage. It’s painful, and sometimes I get a wash of despairing loneliness come over me.. and the pain of disconnection and the chaos of blame, jealousy, desperation and fear can be so dense that I forget what lies below that restless surface.

Steady Love.

I don’t believe that we can truly ever eliminate love once it has been given breath. We can dilute it and shroud it with shadows.. but it came through us from a place we all know more deeply than the ego that tries to deny it away.

I’m learning to sit in the stillness, and to look beyond the spray. I’m scared and so very uncertain of what lies ahead.  Planting my feet and feeling the pull of gravity.. turning not to the intoxication of the crashing waves… forgiving my buckling knees when the tide grows strong, and choosing the steady once more.

Steady Love.

For any of you out there who are grieving the loss of what was, and moving into the unknown.. I feel you. You are not alone, and you are stronger than you think. Love doesn’t come from only you.. it moves through you. It’s always there and boundlessly all around. It’s below the spray and ready for your gaze the moment you decide to see it, and to plant your feet in it.

As an intuitive artist, I often flow into a subconscious state and my work becomes closely tethered to a higher knowing. It sometimes offers me glimpses of truths I’ve yet to know about my own life or reflections of the energies around me. It’s my communion with God. This piece came to me a short while ago and I’m slowly drawing strength from the messages as they come into my awareness.

New growth can be painful. Love needs not be denied in order to move through it. May we all forgive our buckling knees, for they allow the smoothing of the tide. We we continue to let our roots ground us as we expand and bloom. As we choose the steady.

xo -Dez

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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